Mental Beat-down

I've reached a roadblock... albeit probably mental, but successful in stopping me in my tracks and chipping away at my confidence.

Taking a break from derby September-February was the best and worst thing I've ever done. I needed the break. I was wore out and burned out on the tough travel schedule we faced last season. I needed some time to recollect myself, to focus on some other areas of my life that needed attention.

But I missed it. I missed my girls, my family. I needed the stress relief and the outlet that skating provides to my mental health. The physical health benefits as well... its amazing how quickly you lose "it".

Coming back felt great.... I felt like this being my 3rd year playing, things would finally "click" more for me. I know its a constant fight... pushing the limits, pushing the comfort levels to be the best skater I am capable of being. But first contact in, and I took a brutal hit to the knee during a drill, most likely worsened by the fact that my supporting muscles are weak and not able to protect my knee as well, and all of that confidence is gone.

As a jammer, I realize that a very large and very real percent of derby is a mental game. Its a game that tests not as much your ability to knock others down, but YOUR ability to get back up. I've been working a grueling 7 day-a-week, 75 hour work schedule, with my only other free time devoted to skating. But as much as I NEED to skate, when I enter the rink, I'm already mentally tired. I want to forget about all the tasks looming before me and focus nothing more than derby. Somehow, that's not happening.

After my little knee snafu at the beginning of February, we pushed right into scrimmages. I felt like a baby giraffe, and the knee was compounding the problem. Lined up on the jammer line, and promptly got stuck in the pack, time-after-time-after-time. Mentally, I wanted to make excuses for myself: the teams are lop-sided, we have a lot of newbies, I'm easing back into it to guard my knee, etc.

But the reality is that I'm mentally out-of-shape. I'm letting each of those failed attempts at getting through the pack eat away at my confidence. I'm allowing myself to let fear and self-loathing affect how I skate. It changes the way I approach the pack, it stops me from trying to get around that stubborn blocker. And the worst part is, its mental and the only person I have to blame is myself.

I left practice last night after a particularly frustrating scrimmage wondering if I am not ready to be out there yet. No exercise can help with mental struggles-- its an internal problem that only I can overcome. But I began feeling like my super-low confidence and mental strength may be putting myself at risk for even more injuries, like I'm a walking accident waiting to happen.

I want this year to be the best... I want to grow as a skater. I want so bad to be a valuable asset to this team. But right now, I just want to crawl into my little hole and stay there for awhile.

What do you do to get mentally tough? What pulls you out of the derby-funk haze?

Comments much appreciated.

We are all FAMILY.

You see the attitudes. The smack talk, the power hits, the brutal knock-downs, the bruises and even the occasional broken bones. You hear about the skirmishes, the penalty box confrontations, the ejections, and the expulsions.

But what you might not hear enough about is that at the end of the day, as we unlace our skates, we are the most loyal and fiercely protective family that anyone could ever ask for. Derby is more than the aggressive sport, its more than the persona we portray on the track. It is a lifestyle that we've chosen, and a family that we have adopted for better or worse as our own.

Whether it be the trust and respect that is earned by one another in the throes of bout-time battle, the solidarity in running a successful business and community champion, or perhaps the fact that getting 40+ women together 3 times a week things start to "sync" up (if ya get my drift), the outcome is a family of like-minded women who despite it all, have your back through thick and thin.

Whether its your derby wife you call in the middle of the night when you need a sober ride home, or the army of derby girls that comes to your rescue when a relationship goes south and you want him out NOW, or the crew that will pull miracles to save you from 2,000 miles away.... you come to know that despite whatever headache may face you on track or at practice, your family is solidly and firmly rooted behind you.

This family extends beyond the confines of your own league. Almost like the cousins you hardly know and only see once a year or every other year at best, skaters on competing leagues are part of this family. Because while we may hate each other for two 30-minute periods, at the end of the day we all do this thing we love -- we play derby. And it doesn't matter which team we're on or what positions we play, we're all there doing the thing we love together.

Which is why when I read that a fellow derby girl is in need of help, I don't even think twice about helping her. I've never met Sk8 Outta Compton, a recently retired skater from the Atlanta Rollergirls team. I don't have to know her personally to respect what she has done for this sport and what she accomplished in her skating career. But even though I never had the chance to know her, or skate against her, she is family and she needs our help. Those satchels will be used in my skate bag proudly, and I will print a big #310 (her derby number) on them to remind me of my far-away derby sister and her new journey.

I'm proud to call all of the strong women in the derby-verse my sweaty, stinky, and often PMS-y family, and am proud to know that if ever a time comes where I have to put in the derby-distress beacon, that an army will be there for me where ever I might be in my life. How has YOUR derby family come to save you? Share your stories in the comments!

Be sure to visit Sk8 Outta Compton's blog. Read her story. See how you can help.